Parenting?

I brought Daiyan to tea with my lab mates today since we were celebrating one of the students who has just finished her PhD. Since I have to take care of Daiyan every afternoon onwards, and it's just tea anyway, so I thought, why not.

I arrived a bit late; our chief scientist had already started giving his speech. So I just walked towards them, pulled a chair, and sat. Then everyone started to notice Daiyan. And being Daiyan, he started smiling to everyone. Everyone was just surprised that he seemed very happy. A few people came to me and said "He is such a happy baby. You must be a good mother." "Thanks," I replied.

So I wonder, is a happy baby a sign of good parenting?

Probably. I am not sure myself. The truth is, I don't know why Daiyan is so happy around people. I always thought that it's just who he is. I am not doing anything extraordinary at home. But alhamdulillah, I think he is quite a content baby--whether or not it's because of our parenting--he smiles and laughs a lot (although he protests a lot too), and I can easily leave him by himself/with other people when I go to social events (dinner party etc).

I remember the early days when Daiyan came into our lives..lots of people told us (me, especially) not to hold him too much as he would grow up wanting to always being held, not to nurse him to sleep lying down as he would be accustomed to it, to give him pacifier and formula milk as I am a working mom and it would be hard for the care taker (and me) if Daiyan wouldn't take pacifier or formula milk. But the weird thing was, people also told me no to give him the pacifier as it might be hard for him to wean off it when he is older.

As a new mother, I tried following the advices (except the formula milk..as I know I want to exclusively breastfeed him). I tried to put Daiyan down as much as possible, tried to rock him to sleep instead of nursing him, tried to give him the pacifier..but none of this felt right to me. Daiyan loved to be held a lot when he was a newborn, and he loved to breastfeed every 2 hours, one-hour long every session (which means I only have at most, 1 hour break), so putting him down and rocking him to sleep would usually result in him crying. Daiyan also hated pacifier--he would spit it out, usually as soon as I put it into his mouth--so the pacifier basically ended up not being used. In the end, I held him as much as he needed, brought him to sleep in our bed and nurse him to sleep, and let him suck on my breasts for as long as he needed. This way, he turned out not crying as much, and kept all of us happy.

I remember at one point I wanted to train Daiyan to sleep in his cot because as much as I love him, I also wanted to maintain the relationship with my husband, and I thought having the bed to ourselves is important(so far he only has slept in his cot once..in the hospital, in the first night. He woke up at 2:30 am, along with other babies, and did not go back to sleep). I also read that babies would develop their own way of self-soothing (and go to sleep on their own) when they reach about 2 months of age. However, it was quite a nightmare. Daiyan hated his cot and just kept on crying, which of course, eventually made me stressed. I ended up bringing him back in bed with us. After that night, I found an article about co-sleeping vs. cot sleeping in Dr. Sear's website, and the article points out that co-sleeping has been found to help regulates the child's breathing and that SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) are less likely to affect babies who are co-sleeping with their mothers. After reading the article, I felt relieved and decided to let Daiyan sleeps with us for as long as he needs.

So now, after 5+ months of becoming a mother and taking care of Daiyan, I came up with a conclusion about parenting: Do what feels right and natural, and what works for you. Of course people can say do this and that, but eventually we are the parents and the baby is living with us, so whatever we do/n't do to our babies mostly affects us, not them. As for my husband and I, free access to my breasts/breastmilk, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing (when needed) work miraculously; Daiyan doesn't cry as much, and he seems happy and content. Although the house gets messy quite easily as it's quite hard to do housework while carrying Daiyan or when Daiyan is sleeping (plus my husband and I are not that particular anyway), I think it does not really matter as Daiyan comes first, not the house.

I remember reading an article about why African babies don't cry (forgot the website huhu) and what Dr. Sears wrote in his website. Both point out that we should read our baby and give him what he needs, instead of enforcing something that the baby doesn't want (scheduled feeding, cry-to-sleep, starting solids too early etc). I also remember reading an article about why babies nowadays do not seem happy, and the article points out that probably the reason these babies don't seem happy is because the parents do not give them what they need. I happen to agree with all three articles.

I think the best way of parenting is by imagining ourselves in a cave, with no one else but our baby and husband. Only by imagining that we would start taking care of our babies like what nature intends us to, using our instinct as a mother.

 My two men <3

Baby products

Since I am a parent now, I want to share my favorite baby products that I use. Just because. Saje menggedik. haha

Ameda Purely Yours Breastpump

To be honest, this breastpump is not my first breastpump. My first breastpump was Pureen but oh my it wasn't working at all (ok, exaggerated, but you know, less than an ounce for an hour worth of pumping says it all). Plus, it hurt my breasts. After using it twice, I decided that it was not working for me, so I bought another breastpump--Avent manual breastpump. It was okay, but at most 3 ounces from both breasts in almost an hour..ermm.. I don't think so. It wouldn't be the ideal breastpump to bring to work. So after doing some research, I decided to invest in Ameda Purely yours breastpump. Why you ask? Well, the main reason was, the price was affordable for a double electric breastpump. Plus, the reviews were good. Compared to Madela which was more expensive, yet getting lots of complaints about milk getting into the tubes, Ameda sounded perfect. The tube is never meant to be washed. The milk has no way to get into the tubes, so it is less likely that the motor will get ruined. The pump has different controls for suction and speed, so I can easily change the setting to whatever feels comfortable to me. And I found out that while the standard breastshield size that comes with it is 25 mm, you can easily get a larger ones (up to 32 mm I think) or attachments to make it smaller (to 21 mm). I think the only bad review about this breastpump is that the motor sounds a bit loud, which doesn't bother me. Covering the motor with a pillow will help lessen the sound, of course. I highly recommended this breastpump!

Mimijumi bottle

I am not sure at what point my baby Daiyan start refusing bottle. He was happy with his Avent before, yet when I started going to work, he completely refused it. He would rather be hungry than drinking from that bottle. Feeling miserable, I did some research on baby bottle, and I learned about Mimijumi bottles. The bottle has received lots of good reviews from satisfied customers, particularly those whose babies initially refused bottles. So I thought, why not? The bottle looks like breast anyway, unlike other bottles. Although it is quite pricey, I bought it anyway. And Mr.Husband and I will never look back. We love the bottle because our baby Daiyan accepts the bottle without any trouble! The first time I gave Daiyan the bottle, he looked at the nipple, and immediately put the nipple in his mouth! It's like an instinct! Now I never have to worry about Daiyan being hugry when I am working anymore! Highly recommended!

Sudocream

I first learned about this cream in a parents magazine, I think. Then I was given samples of it at the hospital. After bringing Daiyan back to the house, I thought I should try the cream, and we have never used other cream since. Although it looks like any other nappy cream, it works miraculously. Once, Daiyan got a nappy rash, and it went away after only two days of applying the cream diligently. After that, he never had a nappy rash again. This cream works like magic. It comes in big tubs too (250 g), so we have only bought it once, and it lasts for months. Highly recommended!

Lansinoh nipple cream (does this count as baby products? haha)

In my early days of breastfeeding Daiyan, my nipple got so sore and sensitive and it bleed at one point. But thanks to this cream, it helped me cope. It soothes and heals the nipple, so it really relieved me. The best thing was, I never had to wash it off before feeding Daiyan! Highly recommended! (I have to confess that I have never bought the cream though, I only used the small sample tube the midwife gave me huhu)

Woolies disposable diapers

Well, the reason this is one of my favorite baby products is because it is cheap yet works well. $14 for 56 nappies ($10 for newborn) is seriously value for money. It holds liquid well (usually no problem even with 12 hours of wearing), and Daiyan never had a nappy rash wearing it. Recommended! (not highly recommended because it is disposable diapers..bad for the environment. But Daiyan cannot wear cloth diapers completely since he pees like crazy huhu so we mix. cloth diapers at home, disposable diapers for day out and at night)

Johnson's baby wipes

This baby wipes does the job properly. It cleans in only few wipes and smells good. The only problem with it, I think, is it's too wet. Usually I need to wait for a while before putting on a new diaper because I want to let it dry first, which, you see, is not a good idea for a baby boy because of the possibility of 'firing'. Oh, and I think most probably it has mineral oil, which is not recommended for babies skin, but we can't afford buying more natural alternative huhu. Recommended, nevertheless.

Hmm..I think that's all. We don't use lots of baby's products anyway. We used Gaia shower gel for his bath and Gaia massage oil for moisturizing. It has no mineral oil (like in Johnson's products), which I read is not good for babies skin, but other than that. it feels like normal baby shower gels and oils. We don't use any powder on Daiyan because..no reason (probably because we are lazy haha and it's unnecessary). Haha. But I read that it's not really advisable for babies to wear powder anyway because it may gives babies asthma or something. Oh, I don't know, but the baby may develop reaction towards it.Oh, and another thing that we use on Daiyan is minyak telon. I can't really tell if it works or not, but it smells nice. Mmmmm..

So, that's all! What are your favorite products for your little ones?

To our first child.

Dear Pushie/Ajoy jr.,

6th August was the day I found that you were in my tummy. It was also mommy&daddy's 6-months anniversary. I found out about it very early in the morning. At about 3am. I couldn't sleep, maybe because I took too much caffeine. Anyway, I called daddy as soon as the second band showed up on the pregnancy test strip. I can't tell you how much daddy smiled that day. From the moment I told him, till night, he was smiling from ear to ear, constantly kissing me and telling me how much he loves you and me.

Everyday from that day onwards, had been wonderful. Although I couldn't physically feel you, but I knew you were in me. You were very tiny, yet only Allah knows how much you drained my energy. But I never complained. I rested as much as I needed, and Alhamdulillah daddy has always been besides me whenever I needed him. Daddy never complained either. We only wanted you to be healthy.

Since the early days of knowing about your existence, I couldn't help but feel worry everytime my lower stomach cramped. I knew you were there. I prayed everytime after my daily prayers for you to be safe. But who am I kidding. I knew a mother's instinct is usually correct. Everytime I felt the cramp, secretly, deep inside, I felt something was wrong. I remember a few days before you left my tummy. There was no pain, no blood, whatsoever. But, somehow I felt you were not there. I felt like I was not pregnant. I didn't want to feel that way, but it's just how I felt. I tried hard to threw away the feeling.

But owh how I was right. A few days after, on 26th August 2010, I started bleeding. It was a very tiny bleeding for a couple of days. But on the 28th night, 12am on the 29th to be exact, the bleeding started to get heavy. Very heavy in fact, as if I got my period. And owh, the cramp. It was a bad cramp, as if I had period pain. I was in a huge worry. Especially when I saw those blood clots. Owh, I can't tell you how much I hoped I would never see you in those blood clots. I couldn't help myself, and I broke into tears. Although daddy was still in high hope that you had survived, deep inside, I knew you hadn't. It was a bad night. I went to bed crying in daddy's arms.

The day after that we went to see a doctor. The doctor asked me to go have the ultrasound done. She also told us the possibility that I had lost you. But daddy's hope was still high. The next day we went to the hospital. They didn't see you in my uterus, but they asked us to go to an ultrasound specialist anyway, as they were not trained for that. We went for external and internal ultrasound the next day. And then it's final. You were not in my tummy anymore. Although I had expected it, it was still very saddening. I had to hold back my tears, and pretended in front of everyone that I was okay, but no, I wasn't. Later that day, I cried my heart out again. And daddy did too.

Pushie/Ajoy jr.,

Although you were in my tummy for 37-38 days (7++ weeks medically), mommy and daddy loved you so much. Maybe that's why it's so hard to learn that you were not with us anymore. I also regret it a bit that we didn't get the chance to take a glance at you. We didn't know how you looked like. For most couples, the first ultrasound appointment is the most exciting ultrasound experience, as that's when they get to see their babies for the first time, but for us, the first ultrasound was the scariest and the saddest experience, as that's when we learned that you were not there anymore. But you know what, it's okay. Although you are not here now, you were here. And you have thought us how it feels to be parents. And we are grateful for that.

This may or may not be a regret, but losing you at day 37-38 might be a good thing. I am pretty sure your soul should have been 'blown' into you on day 40, so I am pretty sure your heart was not beating yet when you went out of my tummy. So, maybe, when I lost you, you were not here, soul-wise. So maybe, mommy and daddy will see you when mommy get pregnant again, insyaAllah.

Anyway, I am just writing to you to completely let go of you. I thought I have let you go, but watching my friends talking about how their babies were waving and kicking during ultrasound reminded me of you, and I couldn't help but feeling sad again. But hey, life goes on. You are gone, but you are never forgotten. You will always be our first child.

Sayang, kami redha kamu sudah tiada.

We love you.

Love;
Mommy and Daddy