Monday, September 6, 2010

To our first child.

Dear Pushie/Ajoy jr.,

6th August was the day I found that you were in my tummy. It was also mommy&daddy's 6-months anniversary. I found out about it very early in the morning. At about 3am. I couldn't sleep, maybe because I took too much caffeine. Anyway, I called daddy as soon as the second band showed up on the pregnancy test strip. I can't tell you how much daddy smiled that day. From the moment I told him, till night, he was smiling from ear to ear, constantly kissing me and telling me how much he loves you and me.

Everyday from that day onwards, had been wonderful. Although I couldn't physically feel you, but I knew you were in me. You were very tiny, yet only Allah knows how much you drained my energy. But I never complained. I rested as much as I needed, and Alhamdulillah daddy has always been besides me whenever I needed him. Daddy never complained either. We only wanted you to be healthy.

Since the early days of knowing about your existence, I couldn't help but feel worry everytime my lower stomach cramped. I knew you were there. I prayed everytime after my daily prayers for you to be safe. But who am I kidding. I knew a mother's instinct is usually correct. Everytime I felt the cramp, secretly, deep inside, I felt something was wrong. I remember a few days before you left my tummy. There was no pain, no blood, whatsoever. But, somehow I felt you were not there. I felt like I was not pregnant. I didn't want to feel that way, but it's just how I felt. I tried hard to threw away the feeling.

But owh how I was right. A few days after, on 26th August 2010, I started bleeding. It was a very tiny bleeding for a couple of days. But on the 28th night, 12am on the 29th to be exact, the bleeding started to get heavy. Very heavy in fact, as if I got my period. And owh, the cramp. It was a bad cramp, as if I had period pain. I was in a huge worry. Especially when I saw those blood clots. Owh, I can't tell you how much I hoped I would never see you in those blood clots. I couldn't help myself, and I broke into tears. Although daddy was still in high hope that you had survived, deep inside, I knew you hadn't. It was a bad night. I went to bed crying in daddy's arms.

The day after that we went to see a doctor. The doctor asked me to go have the ultrasound done. She also told us the possibility that I had lost you. But daddy's hope was still high. The next day we went to the hospital. They didn't see you in my uterus, but they asked us to go to an ultrasound specialist anyway, as they were not trained for that. We went for external and internal ultrasound the next day. And then it's final. You were not in my tummy anymore. Although I had expected it, it was still very saddening. I had to hold back my tears, and pretended in front of everyone that I was okay, but no, I wasn't. Later that day, I cried my heart out again. And daddy did too.

Pushie/Ajoy jr.,

Although you were in my tummy for 37-38 days (7++ weeks medically), mommy and daddy loved you so much. Maybe that's why it's so hard to learn that you were not with us anymore. I also regret it a bit that we didn't get the chance to take a glance at you. We didn't know how you looked like. For most couples, the first ultrasound appointment is the most exciting ultrasound experience, as that's when they get to see their babies for the first time, but for us, the first ultrasound was the scariest and the saddest experience, as that's when we learned that you were not there anymore. But you know what, it's okay. Although you are not here now, you were here. And you have thought us how it feels to be parents. And we are grateful for that.

This may or may not be a regret, but losing you at day 37-38 might be a good thing. I am pretty sure your soul should have been 'blown' into you on day 40, so I am pretty sure your heart was not beating yet when you went out of my tummy. So, maybe, when I lost you, you were not here, soul-wise. So maybe, mommy and daddy will see you when mommy get pregnant again, insyaAllah.

Anyway, I am just writing to you to completely let go of you. I thought I have let you go, but watching my friends talking about how their babies were waving and kicking during ultrasound reminded me of you, and I couldn't help but feeling sad again. But hey, life goes on. You are gone, but you are never forgotten. You will always be our first child.

Sayang, kami redha kamu sudah tiada.

We love you.

Mommy and Daddy